I need to start making thousands of dollars because I have thousands of dollars I have to pay. I don’t want to work for $13/hour. I told that promo modeling agent that that was too low and not to put me down as any other Back-ups. I mean $13/ hour? For a 3 hour shift? That’s Ridiculous. No, I am not going to take a crappy apartment and I am not going to take a crappy job.

 

I’m probably gonna have to take a crappy job.

 

I need to make money, post haste. I need to make a lot of money in a short period of time.

I don’t want to depend on another man again. But I need money and time to make all these dreams a reality.

I’ve got to make this happen now that he’s finally gone. What a nightmare. Why did he choose to be so vicious? Why did he choose to be so mean? Even if I am the most annoying person on the planet, why would he need to react that way. Why? It didn’t have to be that way. It didn’t need to be that way.

And now that the Asshole is Gone, I don’t have to do Anything I don’t want to do.

I was driving to and from the airport today and whatever happens-I just got this sense that this is where I am meant to be – that I knew I’d be here-It was always necessary and a Destination.

I met a girl last night who had the same Stupid Determination that I do. I don’t want to associate with that girl from last night. But I don’t want to be a snob, either. I need female friends so why did I react to her the way I did. Because she’s stupid. Because she’s clueless and out of touch- and I see that in myself and I don’t want to reinforce those aspects in me.

In so many ways, I’m the same. I don’t have an apartment or a job.

I don’t want to be around jealous and desperate people but I should just get used to it, I guess. I hate talking about myself with people like that. They don’t deserve to know. The don’t. They don’t deserve to know.  And they Question and Pry to know.

And I just don’t want to tell them-I need to be Nicer-What pisses me off is that stupid, clueless people Today can be your Casting Director or Famous Friend-of-a-Friend or something, Tomorrow.

So you have to be nice to all the Stupid-People-with-Annoying-Voices-and-Incessant-Clueless-Chatter, anyway. They are at least SAG. I mean, I’m not even SAG and I don’t have an apartment so who am I? You have to change your attitude. What will solve it all real quick is getting with your people-the people on your level-then you won’t feel so out of place and annoyed. Be Nice.

The thing about Jason is that although he’s taking the pressure off himself-I think he’s Really taking the pressure off himself. Really.

And I agree with that Philosophy to a point but I think he’s taken it to a New Relaxed Level.

When all is said and done, though, I should go out with them tonight. I need to be Nice and make Nice and Surround myself with people and situations I can learn from and at this point that is Everybody and Everything. Hanging with people in this town puts you in touch and keeps you connected and that’s everything here. Even though it makes me tired and cranky.

I need to Stop being Jealous if someone looks and acts younger than me.

I am on my own path.

That jealousy makes me an icky person. Maybe I shouldn’t hang out with girls that are younger than me cause it makes me unhappy. I think: “Wow, I’ve passed that point of cluelessness, haven’t I? Well then why I am I here on this movie set being an extra with her? Why don’t I have my SAG card yet? Why don’t I have an apartment?”

I need to not compare myself at all-

 

 

What do they say?

“Don’t Compare Your Insides to Someone Else’s Outsides”

“Compare and Despair”